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Relationships Articles write an article

Meeting In Love: Return to Innocence By Brenda Sutherland

Posted by The Awakening Group College on September 08, 2011

Meeting In Love: Return to Innocence By Brenda Sutherland
Couple laughing

Published in ‘Living Now’ magazine Australia wide, Dec 2004 issue.
Take a moment and think of your intimate partner. Become aware of the feelings present. If your experience is wholehearted joy or a quiet stillness then your connection with each other is of deep intimacy. If you become aware of tension or issues for example; frustration, disapproval, neglect, stress, unsupported, anger or loneliness then your intimate connection may need reviving. Most of us at some time in our life experience both. The reasons why can be overwhelming whilst the solution can be simple and uncomplicated.
As you picture your partner take your awareness to the issue; allow the feeling to be present, rather than the story. Invite the feeling into your body, breathe into it and let it rest there, without trying to fix it or alter it, just letting it do what ever it wants to do. The mind does not have to understand it, it’s origin or discover a solution in order for the feelings to dissolve.
“ We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate it oppresses” Carl Jung
Take this a step further. On picturing your partner, invite them in, breathe them in relaxing on the out breath. This may take relinquishing a posture you upheld to protect yourself, but the invitation is to take the risk to love wholeheartedly in this moment. Surrender to the invitation. Most of our struggles are an attempt to be loved and/or feel love. This invitation ends the struggle. For many the other disappears and there remains stillness, a moment of empty wholeness. Spirit becomes the guide. Our sexual experience has the same invitation – surrender wholeheartedly and let spirit be the guide. We have no choice our frustration, anxiety, disappointment, stress, fears and resistance all point to the need to embrace and surrender in our intimate relationships.
From Love ‘Making’ to Meeting ‘in‘ LoveThe premise behind “normal” lovemaking is that there is something to get, to strive for, to ultimately achieve, to ‘make’ love. It is action based and gives the mind much to take care of. Alternatively, love maybe viewed or experienced as ever present. Therefore lovemaking maybe experienced as ‘meeting in love,’ a surrendering to that which is already present, moment by moment. There is nothing to do but let love reveal itself.
Many couples have experienced, on first meeting, authentic and heart felt loving. Due to demands of work, children, illness, unresolved hurt, old psychological patterns, sexual habits or not understanding each others intimacy needs, sex becomes mechanical, alienating both. Couples have usually strived to be sexually normal by pursuing sexual performance without understanding how to connect, to recognise the symptoms of being disconnected and then create the circumstances to reconnect. For some real connection remains an idea or is deferred until the right time or until they have the time, resulting in increased anxiety and stress, relationship conflict, seeking pleasure elsewhere and the widening of the gap between each other ending in relationship breakdown, separation or divorce.
“The long established norms of sexual behaviour in the West have created psychological barriers that restrict inner growth. These “hang-ups,” inculcated by parents and social institutions, have doomed many people to lives of permanent frustration. A desperate attempt to conform to a conventional, though possibly unnatural “norm” of sexual behaviour restricts individual development and may lead to furtive perversion and damaging guilt feelings.” Nik Douglas & Penny Slinger
When sex/lovemaking remains an intellectual act women find themselves feeling closed off, rigid, frightened, distrusting, ashamed, disappointed and angry yet not understanding why this is as their love for their partner remains. For example; the subtle movement by a man to go for it, ejaculate, will trigger a women to close off, because she feels him shift from his heart into his head as does the man experience when the woman pursues her own orgasm. Moving from the heart to the head creates a feeling of being used, or “done too” as many women put it and her heart closes as has the man’s. It is not intentional but consequential. The cycle continues when the woman doesn’t speak up because she doesn’t feel her man is present, wants to give him what she thinks he wants but then finds herself emotional without knowing why. A deep sense of trust is needed, especially for women, in order for her body and heart to fully open. Many women also experience anger after lovemaking due to their deep sexual energy not being ignited with only the top sexual desire being touched. Lovemaking remains as an act and does not graduate to a deep spiritual union.
Men generally on the other hand find...

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